Understanding Your Attachment Style
The Key to Self-Discovery and Emotional Freedom
Have you ever found yourself repeating the same patterns in relationships—feeling anxious when someone pulls away, shutting down when things get too intimate, or constantly finding yourself in unhealthy dynamics? If so, you're not alone. The way we connect (or struggle to connect) in relationships is deeply rooted in our attachment style—a subconscious blueprint formed in childhood that shapes how we experience love, trust, and emotional security (Bowlby, 1988).
Understanding your attachment style isn't just about relationships with others—it's about deepening your relationship with yourself. It’s about uncovering the patterns that run in the background of your mind, influencing how you show up in love, friendships, and even your relationship with your own needs and emotions.
When we bring awareness to these patterns, we unlock the power to liberate ourselves—to move beyond old conditioning and into a more conscious, self-aware, and empowered way of relating.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby (1988), suggests that the way we bond with our caregivers in infancy shapes how we relate to others throughout life. His research was later expanded by Mary Ainsworth (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978), who identified four primary attachment styles based on how infants responded to separation and reunion with their caregivers. These patterns persist into adulthood, influencing our relationships and emotional regulation.
There are four primary attachment styles:
Secure Attachment – You feel safe in relationships, can trust others, and can navigate intimacy and independence with ease. This style develops when a child consistently experiences love, safety, and responsiveness from caregivers (Siegel & Bryson, 2012).
Anxious Attachment – You may feel a deep fear of abandonment, become preoccupied with your relationships, and seek constant reassurance. This often stems from inconsistent caregiving—times of love followed by emotional unavailability (Levine & Heller, 2010).
Avoidant Attachment – You may struggle with intimacy, feel overwhelmed by closeness, and prefer independence over connection. This develops when caregivers were emotionally distant, dismissive, or pushed independence too early (Schore, 2001).
Disorganized Attachment – A mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies, often rooted in childhood experiences of fear, neglect, or trauma. Love and safety were unpredictable, making trust difficult (Maté, 2003).
While these styles originate in childhood, they continue to show up in our adult relationships—until we consciously break free from the cycle.
Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Matters
Awareness is the first step to change. When you know your attachment style, you begin to recognize:
Why you react the way you do in relationships
What subconscious fears are driving your behaviors
How your nervous system has been wired to seek (or avoid) connection
Without this awareness, we operate on autopilot—choosing relationships, responding to conflict, and internalizing rejection based on old wounds. As Dr. Gabor Maté (2003) explains, unresolved attachment trauma doesn't just affect emotional health—it can manifest physically, leading to chronic stress and disease.
Healing your attachment wounds isn’t about blaming the past; it’s about liberating yourself from it so you can create the kind of relationships you truly desire.
How to Liberate Yourself From Unhealthy Attachment Patterns
1. Self-Reflection: Understanding the Root of Your Attachment Style
Start by asking yourself:
How did my caregivers respond to my emotional needs?
Do I fear abandonment or emotional closeness?
Do I tend to over-give, withdraw, or sabotage relationships?
How does my nervous system react in moments of conflict—do I fight, freeze, fawn, or flee?
Awareness of your patterns allows you to see them in action, rather than being controlled by them.
2. Rewire Your Nervous System Through Somatic Healing
Attachment wounds don’t just live in the mind; they are stored in the body. Research by Dr. Allan Schore (2001) shows that early attachment experiences shape the brain's ability to regulate emotions. Breathwork, meditation, and nervous system regulation practices help you shift from survival-based responses (fear, anxiety, shutting down) into a more grounded state of connection and safety.
For example, somatic release breathwork can help move stored emotional energy, allowing your body to experience what secure attachment feels like—even if you didn’t grow up with it.
3. Inner Child Work: Meeting the Needs You Didn’t Get as a Child
Many of our attachment wounds stem from unmet childhood needs. The good news? You have the power to reparent yourself.
Try this:
Close your eyes and visualize yourself as a child.
Ask: What do you need right now? Love? Safety? Reassurance?
Imagine giving that younger version of yourself exactly what they need.
As Brené Brown (2012) emphasizes in Daring Greatly, vulnerability and self-compassion are key to healing past wounds and developing healthier emotional responses.
4. Cultivating Secure Attachment Within Yourself
The foundation of healthy relationships isn’t just about how you connect with others—it’s about how you connect with yourself. To cultivate self-secure attachment:
Learn to self-soothe instead of seeking external validation
Trust yourself to meet your own emotional needs
Set and honor your boundaries without guilt
Lean into discomfort and allow intimacy at a healthy pace
The more you nurture safety within, the more your external relationships will reflect that security.
Attachment Healing as a Path to Self-Discovery
Healing your attachment wounds isn’t just about relationships—it’s a portal to self-discovery. It invites you to explore the deepest layers of your being, to witness the old versions of yourself that adapted to survive, and to choose something different.
When you step into conscious relationships—with yourself and others—you’re no longer bound by the past. You begin to:
✨ Operate from self-awareness rather than fear
✨ Release old cycles and step into healthier connections
✨ Expand into your highest timeline—one where love, trust, and security come from within
This is the path to freedom. Not just in relationships, but in every area of life.
Your Invitation to Heal and Expand
If you’re ready to explore this journey deeper, I invite you to start with a guided breathwork session designed to release attachment wounds and cultivate self-security. Breath is the bridge between the subconscious and conscious mind—allowing you to move beyond intellectual awareness into embodied healing.
Your attachment style is not your destiny. You have the power to rewrite your story.
